How to Become More Chill

I’ve never been drunk. I’ve never smoked anything. I don’t know what either of those things feel like. I won’t take a sip of an energy drink. I’ve even been apprehensive about taking a Tylenol - ha, I worked through that one.

I have a need for self-regulation that’s to an extreme, which can read as rigid.

In 4th grade, my 504 Accommodation Plan listed “Generalized Anxiety Disorder with OCD tendencies.” The psychologist wrote: “A bright, capable child with extreme internal pressure who works hard to function, but whose anxiety becomes unsustainably loud. High-functioning executive skills under calm conditions; executive collapse under stress.”

It’s interesting how childhood translates into adulthood, how behaviors don’t disappear; they just evolve.

I’d like to take a real, honest look at myself: to understand why I sometimes sabotage the things I want when they’re out of my control, and how to self-correct before rupture. How to accept uncertainty. How to take long pauses before expression. How to become more chill. Lessons we refuse to learn will repeat until we change.